What a Surprise
So Unexpected

Preface

This story, I realized, can better be understood within the context of my experience at the
Mt. Madonna December Retreat where it emerged. There were three main points
Adyashanti talked about that stimulated me greatly as well as a “place” that meditation took
me to, through no volition or skill of my own.

Meditation

From the first meditation at the retreat, I felt pulled rather quickly out of my body into what
seemed a cross between sleep and meditation. After two and a half days of meditations like
this, I emerged in a “place” (for lack of a better word) in which nothing at all was
happening, nothing at all. There were no forms of any kind at all arising. Nothing was there
yet I sensed something was there, but this something had no qualities, none whatsoever.
There was no love, joy or peace. At the same time there was no lack of love, lack of joy or
lack of peace. It was not oneness or non-dual it was absolute zero. Obviously awareness
was there or how could this no thingness be seen. There was no problem but it was not an
exciting place to be. It was as if exciting had not been invented yet. Later I thought the first
thought that must have arisen in awareness was probably not the I thought but rather the
thought/feeling BORINGGG… Is this Primordial awareness? I thought why would I want
to hang out there? Yet I trusted there must be a reason meditation had taken me there and
perhaps further exploration might reveal more. The next meditations were completely
different with awareness of the body and arising phenomena. It was as if once meditation
showed me what it wanted me to see, its work there was done.

Three Points from Mt Madonna Satsangs
(My Disclaimer -These points are as I took them in and as they evolved in me. That which
is in bold might contain some essence from Adyanshati’s Satsang talks)

1.

I am consciousness.
There is only consciousness. There is nothing else
The totality of that consciousness that I am has two aspects:
Consciousness at rest and Consciousness in motion

Consciousness at rest
Awareness itself
That which is eternal and unchanging
Awareness of that which arises within itself
That which is formless, spacious and empty
That which was never born and never dies.

And

Consciousness in motion
Changing phenomena
That which arises and diminishes
That which is impermanent
A wave arising and falling
Another name for this is LIFE
It is aliveness

Life includes not only things like people, trees and flowers but things like rocks,
mountains, cars, and buildings. Particularly important for me to have seen, is that
thoughts, emotions, and patterns that arise in consciousness are life as well.

The wholeness of what I am includes both.
While it is essential in awakening, to truly know myself as eternal awareness,
the eternal is not separate from that which changes and is impermanent.

2.

The second point is easily understood by the mind. This understanding in the mind does
no good. For that reason I think it is one of those secret teachings we hear about.
It is profound and transforming if absorbed at a deeper level.

Nothing that arises in awareness says anything about who I am.

Nothing that arises in awareness says anything about who I am.

Nothing that arises in awareness says anything about who I am.

Yes, I am consciousness not separate from that that arises within me but to attach
Self-nature, to define myself through a thought, emotion or pattern is the road to
bondage, illusion and suffering!

An image that helped me anchor this truth was to imagine little birds flying through
awareness. They appear in consciousness then fly away and disappear. There are
thought birds, emotion birds, patterning birds, energy birds, bliss birds etc. These birds
like to be seen and felt by awareness then they are content to go on their way.

These birds are life freely flowing. Freedom is their nature, There is often a lot of
confusion in awakening into life and what we tend to do is grab one of these poor birds
(maybe a sadness bird) and stuff him in a cage called me. Then we pretend we are
the bird in the cage. We look through the bars and wonder why we feel so trapped.
ARE WE NUTS! YES!

To attach self-nature to arising phenomena is to try to possess it. This is violence.

Freedom is our natural state. We are free when we allow everything to be as it
naturally is. Attaching self-nature to “birds” that feel pleasant is also a danger,
We try to hold on to the pleasant birds and so doing is to set oneself up for a fall.
All phenomena is change. Life is that which flows. The violence of trying to stop this
flow will cause suffering. To allow life arising and subsiding within us it’s freedom, is
to allow ourselves our own freedom. This takes no effort. It takes a lot of effort to
continually build the cages of our own bondage and suffering.

3.

The third point essentially refers to what often happens as a result of attaching selfnature
to patterns that arise in consciousness. These emotion/thought patterns may have
first formed in early life or in a past life. Who knows. Where they originated is not
important.

When we attach self-nature to an arising pattern we label as uncomfortable we
often do even greater violence by trying to change or manipulate our experience of
this natural expression of life. In so doing we do violence to ourselves.

Often as we become more ”Spiritual” the violence often gets worse.
Anger, Fear, Sadness and Pain can be prime candidates for this abuse.
When they arise often we think they should not be there or I want them to go away.

Whether that which is arising within is thoughts, emotions, sensations or even spiritual
experiences makes no difference. To be the spaciousness that allows what is arising, to
allow it to be as it is love. Fear arises – No problem, Anger arises -No problem,
Sadness arises - No problem, Pain arises No problem. They will come, they will go –
No problem. It is in resistance to what arises that suffering is created. Resistance is
suffering.

Pain is not suffering. It is the resistance to pain that is suffering.

When the question is asked what shall I do, often the answer is do less.

Any judgement, clinging, pushing away, denying, fighting with, trying to change or
ignore what arises within is violence. We can ignore by giving something a name that
points to a concept and pretend that it has been fully seen. To indulge in a feeling
recreating it again and again and add to it stories to justify and explain it, is violence.
We do all this when encountering feelings we don’t want or think we shouldn’t have.

These feelings, emotions, and thoughts

are

life arising
life forms arising
alive forms arising
They are alive!

These alive forms deserve to be treated like any other conscious being with love dignity
and respect. All they want is what any of us want. We want to be seen, felt, got and
loved in our totality and to know, to be as we are in this moment is just fine. The
spaciousness of love holds us as we are. That’s why we love to sit in the chair next to
Adya even if we are afraid or confused, because the spaciousness of his love supports
our total freedom to be, as we are this moment. The feeling in his presence is all is
well. He listens deeply and takes us into his heart.

We need to be with the life arising within us, the same gentle spacious love that Adya
accords us. We will find in doing so ultimately, we are loving ourselves.

We need to listen deeply, feel deeply and often a gift the arising brings will be revealed.

For the first time I truly saw the extent of the violence and abuse that I had perpetuated
most of my life upon that which is alive in me, against life itself I was shocked! I saw
this life arising is consciousness, the same as me. It is alive. How could I miss that life is
alive!

I felt like a man who had beaten his wife for many many years and felt it was OK
because he only beat her when she deserved it. Suddenly there is an awakening and he
realizes what he has done and he is horrified. I felt horrified!

I felt immense sadness overwhelming me. It was bitter. At the same time there was a
sweetness in knowing the violence had been seen and understood. It could end.
I felt an ocean of tears that day. The tears were bittersweet. They felt beautiful when
they would fall, so bitter and so sweet.

At last I am ready for the story. The first part The Search is an abbreviated
autobiography emphasizing a specific aspect of my life BA (Before Adya) the second
part Meeting the Beloved is an allegory. It is a vision of the healing of the split and
separation between consciousness and life. It is the recognition of the beauty of life. It is
the recognition of the beauty of being consciously alive in this body, in this life. It is the
embrace of life. It is an affirmation of the love consciousness has for life. This feels like
the reason the meditation I described was shown to me. Consciousness without its
expression, life, can be rather dry. Life is not a mistake to be escaped.

What a Surprise
So Unexpected

The Search

I strived for many many years to escape life, to escape pain. Just surviving in this life
seemed such a chore. There were disappointments, relationships gone awry and dreams
whose promise even if achieved did not fulfill. The effort for even basic food and shelter
often required unpleasant compromise. Something was missing. I was seeking a beloved
to quench the pain of my heart.

I remember reading a New Age book about the pleasures of the afterlife. No work
required. One could do some enjoyable volunteer work if one wanted something to do.
With simple imagination any type of paradise to live in could be created -- a mountain
cabin, a luxurious tropical island bungalow. You could conjure up the most delicious astral
food. You only would be with people you got along with. Everyone was full of love and
nice to you. Sounds good I said. I can’t wait to die if that’s what it’s like and if I’m there
and anyone suggests I reincarnate to work off my Karmas, I would say NO, not me! I’m
not going back, me. I’m not falling for that one. Karmas never end and you always end up
picking up new ones anyway.

I followed a Guru for eight years. He said he was the perfect Master for this world. He
said, “this world is not your home” I knew it! I thought, this rings true. He said your home
is in Sach Kand in the highest inner plain. There you will find your beloved. Simply lead a
celibate life, eat a very strict vegetarian diet; meditate two to four hours a day; practice
nonviolence, love and chastity and eliminate any thoughts, words and deeds that violate
these commandments, send me a report once a month of any failures and I will help you
escape this world. I will guide you through the inner planes to your true home and when
you die you will never have to come back. If that is what I have to do to get out of here, I’ll do it, I said. After eight years of failure, I escaped this trap of self-abuse.

After more than thirty years trying seminars, some that promised instant Enlightenment,
another big-time Guru and other teachers, some that helped but did not liberate, I still had a yearning not only to escape the pain of this life but also to answer a calling in my heart to meet something divine within that I call the beloved.

Then I discovered I am awareness, It was a great Joy. I thought this would protect me from the pain of life. I tried to hide in the shelter of awareness but ultimately it did not protect me from pain and life kept calling.

I experienced great bliss. I thought maybe the beloved is a great ultimate bliss. I rested in
bliss but it did not satisfy my hunger nor did it ultimately protect. How much bliss can one
take before it gets boring.

I thought perhaps the beloved I am seeking is some kind of ultimate and final enlightenment where pain is never felt again. I know now that would be death itself no life at all.

I tried aloofness. Maybe if I lived as awareness and was very careful, wise, vigilant and
detached then life won’t hurt me. Much time passed, often in joy and happiness. I began to dream I had found the way. Then I got smashed. All hope gone. Back to the drawing
board. For my supposed wisdom I found myself again the fool. In despair I grieved for the
one lost who thought he knew the way. I thought I had searched every where I knew for the beloved who could free me from my chains but to no avail.

Meeting the Beloved

I sensed a presence.

Suddenly I turned and there she was.

What a surprise
So unexpected

Her overwhelming beauty melted my heart; She had been here all along. My Beloved is
Life itself moving, changing, vibrating and dancing with exquisite grace. She had long been
eagerly awaiting my return.

What a surprise
So unexpected

To have found my beloved was the very one I had so long been running from.

Long ago in a drunken stupor and paranoid delusion, I imagined that she wanted to hurt me and I had been running ever since. In truth it was I who had done violence to her.
I’m so ashamed. I see now the running from this truth was the source of my agony.
I had tried to possess, manipulate and control her. In trying to steal her freedom, I had
stolen my own.

I am a philanderer who consorted with the great pretenders that in reality were but common prostitutes selling their wares of illusion. I have dishonored her. I abandoned her, forgot her magic and became numb with fear. She never forgot me! With a strange mixture of great patience and eager anticipation she long awaited the return of the fool. But through her eyes no fool was seen, only the true one behind the mask, before the dream. She saw only the beloved who she loved and longed for with all her heart.

I had sinned against her a thousand times yet she was prepared to wait a thousand years for my return.

Such a great love when clearly seen cannot be resisted. I looked into her eyes and melted
into a limpid pool whose depths reach into eternity. We became as one in the fire of the
heart.

I am awareness, the bridegroom.
She is life, the shining bride.

Without her I am like a crusty old man who has never lain with a woman, known what it is
to love another and never tasted life at all.

She is so beautiful; her radiance burns into my heart as it sings with great joy. As we
melt into an ecstatic embrace, I feel Adya’s rose petals falling from heaven upon our heads in great blessing.

All the God’s and Goddesses, Buddhas and Bodvisattvas in all the Universes and all the
heaven’s above are rejoicing and paying homage to the great reunion.

Dance with me she says and the great joyous dance begins.
In perfect harmony and grace we spin, leap and turn in through and around the universe.


What a surprise
So unexpected

To have found my Beloved in the one from whom I was running.

What a surprise
So unexpected